If Your Life Ends the Day you get Married, this would be Convenient. Otherwise I'd say no

Long title I know. But I couldn't be anything other than disturbed by this growing trend to have weddings in funeral homes.  Weird.  I think its part of our lessening the value of marriage in our America.  Here are some interesting other thoughts of late.


1) Marriage rates are shrinking among those who would benefit most from marriage, the working poor.  The article says that the wealthy elite introduced the ideas of marriage as an unnecessary human construct, but generally marry.  


2) The same arguments made to advocate same sex marriage are now used to defend incest.  The reason we shouldn't allow incest according to social commentator Willaim Slatean, It's bad for families.  I agree, that's what people have been saying about homosexuality and divorce for forever.   I don't think that holds any water legally.   If you read most of the comments they promote the idea of incest for consenting adults, so long as they don't have kids. These same arguments are being used to promote polyamory... Slippery Slope anyone?  (not that we have to just that there is no logical reason not to change our stance)


How can we be so messed up and not even know it?  



Romans 1:21 For although they knew God, they neither glorified him as God nor gave thanks to him, but their thinking became futile and their foolish hearts were darkened. ²² Although they claimed to be wise, they became fools ²³ and exchanged the glory of the immortal God for images made to look like a mortal human being and birds and animals and reptiles.
 ²⁴ Therefore God gave them over in the sinful desires of their hearts to sexual impurity for the degrading of their bodies with one another. ²⁵ They exchanged the truth about God for a lie, and worshiped and served created things rather than the Creator—who is forever praised. Amen.
 ²⁶ Because of this, God gave them over to shameful lusts. Even their women exchanged natural sexual relations for unnatural ones. ²⁷ In the same way the men also abandoned natural relations with women and were inflamed with lust for one another. Men committed shameful acts with other men, and received in themselves the due penalty for their error.
 ²⁸ Furthermore, just as they did not think it worthwhile to retain the knowledge of God, so God gave them over to a depraved mind, so that they do what ought not to be done. ²⁹ They have become filled with every kind of wickedness, evil, greed and depravity. They are full of envy, murder, strife, deceit and malice. They are gossips, ³⁰ slanderers, God-haters, insolent, arrogant and boastful; they invent ways of doing evil; they disobey their parents; ³¹ they have no understanding, no fidelity, no love, no mercy. ³² Although they know God’s righteous decree that those who do such things deserve death, they not only continue to do these very things but also approve of those who practice them.

The Sanctity of Marriage

The Pew Research Center Recently released new findings and changing attitudes toward what marriage and family mean these days.  Read more in this Time Article.  It is a very interesting and telling study, basically it says that we still want to get married (95% of respondents under 30) but think marriage is a fading cultural institution (44% of that same age group think marriage will become extinct).  It shows that people who embrace marriage now more than ever are healthier and wealthier.  They live longer and make on average 41% more than singles.  Children of married parents achieve higher grades, and have better behavior than children of divorces.  Marriage is a gift and its benefits seen in society.  

And yet...

We devalue it, Americans see it as a fine choice, one they would like for themselves but not for everyone.  And not for better or worse.  

Divorce is actually declining, but cohabitation is way way up.  Cohabiting couples break up at much higher rates than marrieds even when kids are involved.

According to the study half of kids who are born to unmarried mothers were to people who were living together, over 50% of those mothers thought they would end up marrying the father, 5 years later only 16% were married.  

We are destroying the institution and destroying our nation, to give in to our personal whims and wishes  as we fail to keep our vows and commitments before each other, our friends and our God.  

Pray for your married friends and your marriages.  I'll pray for yours and mine.

Vows: With my Body I thee Worship

Since I re-read the vows that Dani and I said at our wedding I've been really thinking a lot about the phrase, "With my body I thee worship,  and with all my worldly goods I thee endow." This phrase while surprising to many of us as American Christians I think uncovers 2 of the areas of constant marital strife.  Our sexual relationships and our financial ones.  Today I'm going to deal a little bit with the sexual relationship side of things and later address finances.


The first thing we need to discuss is the idea of worship.  Fundamentally worship is giving appropriate worth to someone or something.  So when we worship God we ascribe to him the majesty and glory he deserves.  When we worship our spouses, we don't elevate them over and above God instead we give them appropriate value which places our spouse in a secondary position beneath God.  Of course, a spouse can become an idol, but in this context it speaks to honoring our spouses, and that we live out that appropriate honor, by giving our spouses what they deserve and desire through intimacy.


It has often been said that men desire respect in the husband/wife relationships more than anything.  That as the head, and leader of the family, a man desires his reasons and opinions and decisions to not be challenged and undermined.  Of course, constructive challenges and criticisms are often necessary, and the wise and loving husband will seek his wife's input and perspective on decisions in order to include her, understand her and care for her needs and well being.  In short to show her love. 


This same situation applies to the marriage bed.


³The husband should fulfill his marital duty to his wife, and likewise the wife to her husband. ⁴The wife's body does not belong to her alone but also to her husband. In the same way, the husband's body does not belong to him alone but also to his wife. ⁵Do not deprive each other except by mutual consent...


So here we see that both spouses should seek to fulfill each other sexually whenever the other is interested. I believe this supports the primary desires of husbands and wives.  


Husbands who desire respect experience a woman's acceptance of his advances as respect. Her willingness affirms that he is worthy and she wants to express and reward that. In the same way that he wants his wife to accept his decisions as wise and good he wants his wife to accept his advances. He wants his wife to submit to his will and choices both in life and in the bedroom. When she says yes, she is in essence saying you are good, I trust you and want to please you. However, when the advances are denied it undermines that respect.  Men don't want excuses, I'm too tired, I'm too busy, headache, whatever.  All those things communicate, you aren't good enough for me. I'd rather sleep, work, clean whatever than be with you. That is some pretty crappy stuff to rank beneath. All of those things communicate the opposite of respect and certainly don't give a husband the worth he is due. 


Women want to be given appropriate value and worth as well, and men need to remember that and realize how we can love our wives in a way they feel worthy. Women desire to FEEL loved, rather than respected.  For most of us men, if our wives will give it up at all times, (which is God's plan btw, and is  awesome) we'd likely stop doing all the loving, caring things that score us enough points to actually get us what we want. Its our sinful and selfish nature.  Honestly, If I wasn't regularly rejected I wouldn't try so hard to make SURE it happens "this time."  If I wasn't regularly rejected, my negligence would probably make my wife feel used, rather than honored.  It would make my wife feel unappreciated and not loved.  And I think this is the key for guys.  That is, make sure that we listen to and understand our wives preferences and needs and not simply expect that she be available.  Then we will seek to do the things for her, that make her feel loved. In response she'll want to be available. So give the massages, buy the flowers, just cuddle (I don't get it either!) all those things just because we want to honor our wives with our bodies, not because we want to get something out of it. We need to love through doing the things that she enjoys and that give her pleasure and not simply expect her to bend to your (my) preferences.  Because if we do that, women feel used and not like she is being given appropriate worth.  
So the command to both husband and wife, the promise Dani and I both made is that we will worship each other with our bodies. For me that means putting her first, loving, caring, serving, giving, all the time no stopping, no putting my self first. All her all the time.  


I just hope she is reading this, and is way better at her job than I am at mine. 

Marriage

This past weekend Dani and I went to a wedding.  It's always a good reminder for those of us married to hear others taking those vows, making that promise. To love:  to have and to hold, from this day forward, for better, for worse, for richer, for poorer, in sickness and in health, until death do us part. I think it helps us to refocus on the part we play in making things work.  It reminds us of the difficult commitment we have made, but that indeed we did commit.  It reminds us of the joy and expectancy and hope of that day, a hope that still exists in us all as we continue to grow in that love or at least striving for that beautiful perfect love that we know exists.


Sometimes in that pursuit however, we get lost.  We get things backwards and messed up. I was reflecting on my vows.  The Old English vows written by Thomas Cranmer.  It's usually presented like this, "with all that I am and all that I have, I honor you." but the original reads this, "With my body I thee worship and with all my worldly goods I thee endow. Pretty big difference, right? I mean you can see the heart of the original in the revision.  It's a lot more palatable to modern sensibilities, but it loses the power of the original and the thrust of what marriage really is.  Marriage is a complete commitment to the other person for their good.  Usually we get married because we love who we are when we are with that person.  They make us happier, or smarter, or safer, or braver, or whatever, but all too often we love ourselves when we are with them.  Marriage and life together helps us to learn what it is to love someone.  


We see this progression in Song of Solomon.  in 2:16 it says this 


My lover is mine and I am his.


In 6:3 the order changes


I am my lover's and my lover is mine; 


In 7:10 we see a further evolution


¹⁰ I belong to my lover,
       and his desire is for me.




Notice how in the first verse (pre-wedding) the beloved is focused on possessing her spouse.  He is mine.  First and foremost this is about what he can do for me.  This is essential and a normal part of our growing into love.   The same thing happens in our relationship with Jesus.  We want what he can do for us.  So we accept the proposal.  


However, that's not the aim.  That's not what we hope for and ultimately, a possessive me focused relationship is unsatisfying.  In Chapter 6 we still see possession, we still see ownership, but we see the order changed.  There is a recognition of belonging to the other person, we begin to give up our rights to ourself. We begin to understand love as a place to give, but our sense of self and rights and desires are not eradicated.


In chapter 7, we see the difference.  A complete abandonment of self interest of possessing and owning the other.  We are now free to give ourselves completely to our spouse.  Here is the beautiful thing though.  She knows she is loved.  She knows her husbands heart is committed to her and without that love we don't get to this point.  There can be relationships where someone gives up their rights to themselves, and it's a messed up out of whack relationship that does not honor God.  There can be relationships where men demand women serve them and give themselves up for them, abusive, oppressive relationships. There can be relationships where women control their husbands, manipulating, nagging and operating in a way to suck all the joy out of the relationship in order to get what they want.   There are a lot of ways to mess up a relationship, for sure. But there is only one way to get it right, and that is for both spouses to see that every aspect of marriage is about caring for the other.  Giving all that you have and all that you are to each other.  That means mentally and emotionally, that means spiritually and physically and that means financially and sexually.  This is where we pick up these vows that Dani and I said 8 years ago.  


These are areas of conflict for a lot of couples, but these need to be areas that we both see as essential to the health of our relationships.  We need to seek to serve and care for and love each other through these areas. I'm going to deal with how to do that in later posts since this is already a monster as it is.  Here is a good article in the meantime.
http://www.diobeth.org/Bishop/DLColumns/dlcolumn10.html

Following the Wrong Crowd

My mom always told me be careful who I associate with.  I needed to make sure that my friends were bringing me in the right direction. I always feel like I had good friends and bad friends.  Some friends I new who were more well behaved than myself and others who were trouble, at least relative to me.  I thought I was kind of the middle player in my group of friends. I asked the kids in the confirmation class who were their good friends and who were their bad friends.  The boys knew exactly what I was talking about, but one student said she didn't think she had any bad friends.  I took that either to mean she was the bad friend.  She said she had just distanced herself from those she felt had been pulling her down.

Either way I think there is something wrong with that. We need to surround ourselves with people who inspire us to walk closely with Christ. The people who influence us should be those who draw us toward Christ. But we also need to be deep enough into the lives of others that we don't simply avoid the "bad" people.  We need to engage and love and draw them toward Christ.  We can't do this if they don't know us or care what we say or think.  So let's try to find those people on both sides of us.  Those we can influence for the good, but also those that can help us stay grounded and pursuing our Lord and Savior.